


My Loneliness Is Killing Me

by eobarry



Category: Venom (Comics), Venom (Movie 2018)
Genre: Character Study, Dialogue Heavy, Other, Pre-Slash, im hoping to write more stuff but uh, maybe? - Freeform, take this before i forget to post it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-09
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2019-07-28 12:41:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16241831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eobarry/pseuds/eobarry
Summary: Venom shifts under his skin, coils around his chest, restless.Human loneliness. It is different than the loneliness we feel. We want to understand it.





	My Loneliness Is Killing Me

**Author's Note:**

> yeah i titled it after a britney spears song. sue me.

Dealing with a bodymate is… interesting, to say the least.

Eddie never expected to grow accustomed to it. It sounds like something out of a horror movie, right? Alien takes over your body, forces you to feed on human flesh. Eddie should be terrified of Venom, horrified that he actively sought to return said alien parasite to his body, how he was sad when he thought said alien may have been dead. And he definitely shouldn’t be enjoying Venom setting up shop in his body, but there they are.

But he likes this new normal, surprisingly. Maybe it’s kind of pathetic that he’s so lonely he’ll even accept the company of an alien bodymate, but fuck it. He can’t help what he likes.

And he likes the feeling of Venom. He never thought he’d say that, but he does. Initially it was creepy, to have a second consciousness inside of his body, to feel alien sensations there, to feel hunger that wasn’t his, or anger - or even glee, when Venom was irritating him and obviously pleased with it. It was kind of… cool. Feeling what Venom feels is interesting, and new, and it’s almost like what he felt when he was in a play in middle school, and he had to portray something in his character – feeling an emotion, but not feeling it at the same time. Blending together into something that was both himself, and not. It was troubling at first, it felt odd, but now? It's comforting to feel Venom's reactions, his emotions alongside Eddie's own. 

That’s not mentioning how he _feels_ Venom, feels him move under his skin. It sounds more unsettling than it feels, especially since Venom has made it clear that the two bonded at a molecular level, and that what Eddie’s feeling isn’t exactly as if Venom were a separate entity, crawling around in Eddie’s organs. The feeling is odd – a pressure, almost a warmth, and a presence that moves along Eddie’s body. The presence always extends to his brain, but it’s as if Venom’s form coils in different parts of his body depending on what he’s doing. He settles around Eddie’s stomach when he’s hungry, around his chest when Venom’s resting, curled up just under his heart. He’s near his throat when he’s intrigued or listening, and his weight rests on Eddie’s shoulders when they’re out, as if Venom is poised to create his protective shield whenever a passerby so much as looks at Eddie in an odd way.

The pressure is solid, comfortable. Warm. He likes it, likes the reminder that Venom is there. And, as they work out their various boundaries, he feels more and more comfortable with the symbiote – more in sync.

It makes it almost endearing when Eddie’s lying on the couch, half asleep, and Venom’s shift under his skin pulls Eddie out of the steady spiral into sleep. He breathes a little question, a quiet “Hm?” because he knows that was Venom’s way of getting his attention, and not just a readjustment.

**_Eddie. We have a question._ **

He’s started to notice Venom’s moods, just as Venom has started to understand his own. Right now, Eddie knows that the whole day, in the back of his mind, Venom has been contemplating something or another, and that this contemplation is what brought Venom to rouse him from sleep. He can also tell that Venom was cautious when waking him, because the symbiote knew that Eddie might be upset with him, and Venom doesn’t like when he’s upset. Venom seems to feel their combined moods with more intensity than Eddie does.

“Yeah? What?” He tries not to sound annoyed, because he really isn’t, and Venom has to know it. He’s actually kind of interested in getting an answer as to why Venom’s been so… quiet, contemplative all day.

**_Human emotions confuse us._ **

A laugh bubbles out of Eddie’s throat. He can tell Venom’s being sincere, but he can’t imagine how.

“Buddy, you’re the one that told me that being sad put a bad taste in your mouth. You’re the one who said my happiness _tastes_ good.”

 ** _Not those emotions, idiot._** He’s irritated, impatient. **_Those aren’t just human emotions. Happiness, sadness, fear. We have felt them too._**

Eddie rolls his eyes, half embarrassed, but not ready to back down from his point. “Ok, but what else is there to understand, really? You’ll get to feel it soon enough, anyway. Right?”

Venom shifts under his skin, coils around his chest, restless.

**_Human loneliness. It is different than the loneliness we feel. We want to understand it. It was loneliness that made you sad about Anne, wasn’t it?_ **

Eddie shifts on the couch, uncomfortable. “That – well, kinda. I miss her, but I can be surrounded by people, by friends or family, and still miss her. That’s not being lonely, I guess, just… heartbroken.”

**_What’s the difference?_ **

Eddie shrugs, his discomfort growing by the minute. He can feel Venom trying to soothe it, but it doesn’t help. He’s never been really bad at expressing his feelings, but talking about them? That’s different.

“Loneliness is when you don’t have _anybody_ , I guess. When you feel like there’s no one to talk to, no one to comfort you. We get attached to certain people, yeah, but as long as we have someone in our corner we can’t be all that alone. Your girlfriend breaks up with you – that’s sad, and you miss her, because she knew you well, knew how to be with you, but you’ve got friends that know how to talk to you and keep you company, and family that knows how to talk to you, so you’re not alone, not really. Not that lonely.”

**_To symbiotes, we are always lonely when we have no host. There is an emptiness there, and when we find a host, that emptiness is filled. Humans are whole already – when you are lonely, do you feel that same emptiness? Why?_ **

Eddie laughs, like he does when he’s uncomfortable. “Man, you’re getting real deep tonight. Not an eat tater tots and ‘would you symbiose or nah’ kinda night, huh?”

He somehow _feels_ Venom rolls his eyes, which just makes him laugh more.

**_This is an actual dilemma of ours, and you turn it into a joke._ **

“Man, I’m not trying to be mean, it’s just kind of weird to talk about. I’m not the ambassador for the human race, ya know? I don’t know everything about being lonely – like, I guess humans are social creatures. And the way we form our relationships is mutual, like the way _we_ are - symbiotic. Except we don’t use that word, ‘cause it’s kinda weird to act like you’re just… in relationships to get something out of it.”

**_But you are._ **

“Well, I mean, kinda? We get happiness out of it, mostly. Companionship. A way to stop being lonely. It’s not like some kind of exchange of goods and services, you give me cash I give you a hug sorta deal. I think they have those in Japan, though.”

**_You try to make it sound different than… what we have._ **

Eddie can feel something upsetting in Venom. Not necessarily bad, but like he’s… been hurt. Something like melancholy, maybe? It’s difficult for Eddie to feel, difficult for him to understand.

“Well, I mean, it _is_ different. You gotta have me, or someone else, as a host, right? Or else you’ll die. I give you some place to live, and not-die, and you, I guess, give me strength. Power. Not like human to human, where it’s just, like, happiness. Liking to be around each other and stuff. We don’t die if we don’t have friends, we just get kinda sad.” Eddie isn’t really sure what he’s saying. He doesn’t know how to explain the complicated concepts he’s attempting to even wrap his head around. And the bad feeling coming from Venom just worsens, like the pit in his gut whenever he has to do something bad, but worse.

**_We see._ **

It sounds so sad. So defeated. Eddie has absolutely no idea what he said, and he knows his confusion radiates out towards Venom, but the other doesn’t seem to notice, or care.

“It’s just humans don’t like to talk about things like that, ya know?” He tries to convey what he means, but it doesn’t work. He can feel Venom coil tighter, and it isn’t pleasant. It’s like the feeling before he has to puke.

**_It’s alright, Eddie. We understand._ **

But he doesn’t. He doesn’t understand at all. But Eddie doesn’t say anything, tries not to project any thoughts or feelings either. Just gives Venom space while Eddie tries to figure out what he said wrong, maybe what he felt wrong? He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know how they can have a misunderstanding like this when they literally inhabit the same mind, share synapses like they’re silverware or dress shoes or something.

Instead, Eddie actually gets ready for bed. He turns off the TV, makes his way to his room, gets undressed, flops on the bed. The Venom-pit in his stomach makes it hard to sleep, but he does, eventually. And he tries to forget.

XXXXX

The next days are quiet. Venom isn’t coiled as heavy in his gut, but the sense of unease, of tension, never fades whenever Eddie directs his attention to Venom’s consciousness. It’s the same-old, same-old – eat, work, sleep, repeat. But it isn’t as fun. Eddie doesn’t like being joined to Venom but being unable to enjoy it. Not being able to have fun with the symbiote makes him lonelier than he thought it could.

It comes to a head on Sunday morning. It’s a lazy day – Eddie’s brushing his teeth in the late morning, having gotten used to Venom’s relative silence. It’s upsetting, but Eddie can try to forget it, try to make this a working relationship. That’s what he thinks, before Venom moves for the first time in what feels like forever. Uncoils himself from Eddie’s stomach, moves into his chest and Eddie gasps for breath, almost choking on toothpaste.

**_Others of our kind, we symbiotes – when joining a host, they are not kind._ **

Eddie makes note of the distinction – they, instead of we.

**_Domination is their goal. Their host is a vessel, a tool for their symbiosis. They take, and do not provide nearly enough in turn. We do not want to be like them, Eddie. We want to give you something in return. More than power, strength. These are tools we use more than you. To protect our own lives._**

Eddie tries to comprehend this, tries to think back. To that day, to that conversation, when Eddie separated humans from symbiotes. And he stands there, stupid-looking with toothpaste and a dumb look of final comprehension

“You-! Shit-“ he takes a minute to spit out the rest of the toothpaste. He’s wiping his mouth when he talks again.

“ _That’s_ why you were upset? Because I compared us to what the other symbiotes do?”

**_Yes._ **

“Well why didn’t you just say so! I’m sorry, man, I really am.” And he knew Venom could feel it, but the other just shifted awkwardly in his chest.

**_You believed what you said. That what we have is different from what humans have together. That we don’t provide you happiness. If we can’t do that, We’re no better than any other parasite._ **

“I-what? You make me happy all the time!” And he remembers them vividly. Watching a movie together and laughing when Venom didn’t understand the tropes. The thrill of working together to fight crime, to do good. The quiet comfort of just talking to each other – about simple things: how chocolate was made, why Eddie liked certain music but not others, who Kim Kardashian was and why she was so important. It did bring him happiness. And Venom was watching when Eddie flicked through those memories, he knew.

“I thought you could feel me when I’m happy?” The confusion is clear. Something like a rumbling laugh comes from Venom

**_We can feel you when you’re happy. Just like you could feel us when we were upset. But we can’t always put together what makes someone feel something. You could be happy because of us, or because of the movie, or because of a cocktail of chemicals in your brain caused by a fight._ **

“Then I’ll say it again and make it clear – you make me happy, Venom. I like spending time with you.” It should probably make him more embarrassed to say it, but he isn’t. It’s the truth, and it shouldn’t be embarrassing to admit that he enjoys someone’s company – even if that someone wasn’t exactly human.

“Listen, when I said that symbiosis and human relationships are different… I just meant that humans don’t like to call it that. We call it a friendship, or family, or love, but it’s all kinda the same, just not as… scientific,” Eddie huffs a laugh.

**_Then, we’re friends?_ **

Venom sounds almost hopeful. Eddie wonders if the reason Venom hasn’t been appearing in physical form during these conversations is because of moments like this, moments where he would seem vulnerable and the emotion would be too alien on his face for Eddie to even be able to comprehend it.

“I mean, yeah. Well, no- it’s complicated, man. I don’t think humans have a word for uh, this.” He gestures to all of himself, and feels Venom’s displeasure at his answer.

“No, no, no, I don’t mean it in a bad way! It’s like. Friends make you happy, yeah? But they’re not there all the time. They don’t care for you like they care for their own life, most of the time. Aren’t as… deep as what we got.” Now Eddie’s blushing.

**_More than friends?_ **

It’s softer this time, a little amusement surfacing from Venom, and god, Eddie hopes it’s just because the alien can feel his embarrassment and finds it funny.

“Oh, shut up. You know what I mean. Friends is close enough.”

**_Best friends?_ **

Eddie laughs, laughs at how hopeful Venom sounds, how he knows Venom was trying to get him to laugh.

“Yeah, yeah sure buddy, best friends. Best symbiotic, head-eating friends the world’s even known.”

It was comfortable like that. Comfortable with Venom finally materializing from Eddie, his head bobbing from Eddie’s arm, tendrils wrapping around Eddie’s wrist in some semblance of comfort, or closeness. Most people wouldn’t find it anything special, but Eddie cherished it, enjoyed the touch of Venom when he’d been deprived of it for so long, fed off of Venom’s happiness in a feedback loop until they were both worn out from laughing, talking into all hours of the night. It was intoxicating, and it was perfect. And Eddie would never wish for anything else.  

**Author's Note:**

> you know i wanted this to actually, like. enter romance territory but instead we get this whole "haha no homo" thing. why does this keep happening to me. anyway. i'm gonna try to write more later to fix that. take this for now. also now that i’ve read over it i’m really not happy with it but :/ hopefully someone is!


End file.
